A tantrum is a feeling spilling over because a child cannot yet hold it. In the early years it is an expected stage of development, and in most children it thins out on its own. This article covers what sits underneath a tantrum, what helps while one is happening, and which signs mean it is worth talking to a professional.
A tantrum is what comes out when a child meets a feeling they cannot manage — crying, shouting, throwing themselves down, kicking, or going completely still. Your child is not defying you in that moment. The skill that would hold the feeling has not developed yet, so the feeling comes out instead.
That skill matures slowly. Stopping an impulse, waiting, turning a feeling into a word — all three take years. This is why tantrums peak at the age when language is just arriving, and why they ease as a child learns to say what is going on. The NHS likewise describes tantrums as usually starting around 18 months and becoming far less common by about four (NHS, Temper tantrums).
Tantrums are not the result of poor parenting
This is the thought parents carry most often. In fact tantrums come from where a child is developmentally, not from discipline being too loose or too firm. What a parent's response changes is not whether the tantrum happens, but how long it lasts and how it ends. That is exactly the part that can be worked with.
The same feeling wears a different shape at every age. Broadly, this is what to expect:
Dropping to the floor, crying, screaming, sometimes breath-holding. Vocabulary is not yet big enough to carry the feeling. Tantrums are short but start suddenly, and hunger and tiredness are the strongest triggers.
This is the peak, and now a demand comes with it — "I want it my way." Hitting, throwing and testing a "no" are common. Towards the end of this stage both the length and the frequency begin to fall.
Tantrums become rarer but can get more intense. Your child now feels shame, and "I'm a bad kid" often follows an outburst. School demands, rules and friendships become new triggers.
Instead of an open tantrum you see slammed doors, sulking, verbal outbursts, crying and shutting the bedroom door. At this age frequent, intense outbursts are no longer ordinary and may point to something underneath.
Anger usually covers another feeling — anxiety, helplessness, shame or low mood. Arguing about the anger itself rarely helps; making room for what sits under it does.
Anger is not a diagnosis, it is a signal. When a child is angry, the useful question is not "how do I stop this behaviour" but "what is this anger standing in for".
The most common answers are these: tiredness and disrupted sleep, hunger, not being able to explain themselves, a sudden change in routine, sensory overload (noise, crowds, light), physical discomfort, anxiety, and family transitions such as a new sibling. Difficulty with attention and impulse control raises anger markedly too; the article on ADHD symptoms covers that distinction.
In North Cyprus we see two further triggers often: changing school and changing language. A child who cannot yet say what they mean in the language around them frequently carries the weight of not being understood as anger.
Parents tend to squeeze all three into one. What helps is different in each:
Before
During
After
Teaching does not work mid-tantrum
While a tantrum is running, explanations, negotiation and reminders about rules do not land — the system that would let a child listen and reflect is offline. This is why "how many times have I told you" only makes it bigger. Teaching happens after it ends. Putting a few minutes between calming down and talking turns the same conversation into an entirely different one.
The order matters. These five steps aim to shorten a tantrum — they do not promise to end it:
Make it safe. Move hard objects away and, if you need to, take your child somewhere quieter. In a crowded place this is always the first job.
Bring your own volume down. A rising voice feeds a tantrum; a falling one usually slows it. This is the hardest step and the most effective one.
Set one limit, in one sentence. "You can be angry, you cannot hit." Repeat it, do not explain it, do not extend it.
Stay close and quiet. Do not give in to the demand; do not leave your child alone. Some children want to be held, others want space — you learn which over time.
Name it once it is over. "You were really angry because you didn't want to leave the park." Naming the feeling makes it easier for your child to find the word next time.
None of these will work the first time you try them. Working with anger is not a one-off intervention; it is a repetition that takes weeks.
What changes the picture is less what you do during a tantrum and more what happens between them:
Steady the sleep and the meals
A large share of tantrums happen in a tired or hungry child. Settling bedtime and mealtimes is, in most families, the step that produces the first visible change.
Give feelings names
Use feeling words in calm moments — angry, disappointed, bored, jealous. A child who has the word for a feeling does not have to act it out.
Keep a few rules, and keep them fixed
Too many rules become unenforceable, and inconsistency raises anger. Three or four core rules applied the same way every time work better than a long list.
Agree the same language between parents
One parent allowing what the other forbids is among the most common reasons a tantrum drags on. Talk the difference through separately, not in front of your child.
Notice what went well
When your child gets angry and pulls themselves back together, say so. "You were furious, and you didn't hit" does more work than another reminder about the rule.
Count your own limits in
Tantrums wear parents down and leave guilt behind. You do not have to carry that alone; parent counselling sessions can be held without your child coming in.
When is an assessment worth asking for?
None of the following is a diagnosis on its own; each is a reason to talk to a professional. Tantrums are not easing after the age of five · they happen several times a day · they last longer than fifteen to twenty minutes · your child hurts themselves or others · the same picture appears at home and at school · a long flat mood follows the anger · or the family has started to organise itself around avoiding it. These signs do not mean anything has been left too late. They only mean there may be something under the anger worth looking at.
Where to start in Famagusta
Working with anger usually runs along two lines at once — sessions with the child, and sessions with the parents. Our child psychology service covers the work with your child; where the triggers sit within the family, family therapy comes into it. Where there is a question about attention, learning or development, neuropsychological assessment is discussed separately. Sessions can be held in English or Turkish. If you would like to talk, we are here.
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Tantrums start in most children at around 18 months and are very common in the toddler years. They thin out as a child learns to put feelings into words, and drop noticeably by about four. If they are still frequent, long and intense after five, or if they also happen at school, it is worth talking to a professional.
Safety comes first: move your child and anyone nearby out of harm's way. Teaching a rule during a tantrum does not work, because a child in that state cannot take it in. Set the limit calmly and briefly — "You can be angry, you cannot hit." The conversation happens afterwards, once your child has settled.
It depends. Where the tantrum is aimed at getting something, not giving in but staying nearby works. Where your child is frightened, overwhelmed or exhausted, being ignored only adds to it. The distinction is this: do not give in to the demand, but do not leave your child alone with it.
Usually not. At an age where they are expected, they are an ordinary part of development. What makes them worth an assessment is the pattern: several a day, lasting longer than fifteen to twenty minutes, your child hurting themselves or others, no reduction after the age of five, and the same picture appearing both at home and at school.
It can. Anger is not a diagnosis, it is a signal. Difficulty with impulse control, anxiety, disrupted sleep, learning difficulties and sensory sensitivity all raise it. To tell these apart you may find the articles on ADHD symptoms and anxiety in children useful.
Our child psychology service covers sessions with the child, and parent counselling covers sessions with parents alone. Where anger is concerned, the two usually run together. If you are not sure which one fits, we can look at it in a first conversation. Sessions can be held in English or Turkish.
You can write even if you are not sure. We will look at where to start, together.
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